Chris is on a long final stretch of ameliorative measures, trying to stay the course until we go back to Philly early July.
It is a rotation of transfusions, medications, and meditations.
We are taking on each day as a separate challenge, adjusting every available aspect depending on how he is doing. Sometimes, he feels better; more and more often, he doesn't feel able to do much.
The medical side of this maddens me with worry. I am so aware of my lack of knowledge, having missed big problems in the past like encephalopathy from high calcium levels and outright sepsis. I know he is at risk of bleeding from the chronically low platelets and I know that the anemia stresses his heart. Sometimes, he just cannot eat, no matter how carefully his food is prepared, and not eating for a few days is not a good thing at this point.
But, chronic panic is also not a good thing.
We are acting as "normal" as possible while faced with a wall of uncertainty.
Less than a month till July 7 and your return to Philly. Was great to see the triad on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteI was almost giddy to be able to see all three of you this past week-end. One big "AH HA" I walked away with was how normal is so subjective and impossible to define or duplicate on any given day. The other, more important, thing was how the three of you define kindness and courage and honestly.
ReplyDeleteUmmm. The giddy girl was me, Rosemary...
ReplyDeleteWhen I get to places as you are, I ask myself two things:
ReplyDelete1. What is possible today and NOW that was not yesterday or even a moment ago.....and
2. Am I leaving enough room for the unknown - and its contributory goodness - in the place I call uncertainty - that is where fear hangs out and whispers emptiness to our goal starved hearts.
It's a catharsis for me that recenters me in the worst of times. But it is hard top do sometimes, I also know.
The place where Chris lays with(in) me is a very calm and untroubled place, still...